This morning, at 10am, I took a quick coffee break to visit the GAP down the street from my office. And, because I was incredibly lucky that most college students don’t like to wake up before noon on Fridays, I got myself a free pair of jeans due to a Facebook Places promotion.
The college kids with me were ecstatic… I mean, remember, they’re poor college kids! And what about the lone “grown-up” in the bunch? Well, I was gosh darn happy as well. The main reason? I need a new pair of jeans in a bigger size… and my wallet/heart/mind didn’t want to admit it by paying for it.
I’m still up 4 lbs. from my pre-pregnancy weight (which, btw, I’ll share was 145 lbs), but all of that remaining weight and then some is stuck in my hips/thighs. So while my tops and skirts and dresses fit fine, pants aren’t cooperating. And 8 months later, it’s really hard to face the music and just buy a larger size, because this last “trim down” is going to be the hardest part of the journey. I have issues spending money in the first place, so spending money on something that is “temporary” is like slow water torture. Shopping for clothes in stores usually causes me a lot of anxiety anyway, due to 90% of the clothes being designed for someone unlike me, so I think this one size up issue has spawned some additional demons in my head that I just can’t excise at the moment. The actual weight loss (from a high of 182) was gradual and noticeable for the first 6 months, but now I know the rush is done. I’ve reached a plateau, and the only way I can change that is through lots of dedicated exercise and toning in that area. I think, that even hitting 145, I wouldn’t fit in my old pants, sadly.
But thanks to today’s promotion, I have jeans to cover my legs this early winter, and I was able to admit my needs with just the heartbreak in my head and not my wallet. And I can still totally celebrate in three months when I put these jeans in the back of the closet… right? :) I’m still stuck in the uncertainty window of this process, since it’s my first time down this road, but I’m not giving up hope on my old body image just yet! And if anything, today taught me to stop spending inordinate amounts of time worrying over silly things… and just do what needs to be done and get back to living. :)